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grateful

there was a time I use to journal everyday,  sometimes a couple times a day.  over time that went away and crafting became my outlet. 

this year I want to get back to journaling.  sadly I haven’t found the journal I want to use because I want to use certain inks that don’t bleed and run through it all.  so for now i will post my journal thoughts here.  

today’s journal prompt is ‘what are you grateful for? ‘ 

I am grateful for life.  without it where then I would not exist.  would not be able to give back to people or pay it forward.  wouldn’t be able to enjoy my husband and kids or watch my grandson grow.  without life I couldn’t spend time with you all and I could not craft.  

within the life I live I am able to be grateful for more.  so it kinda covers a lot ya know. 

there were times I wanted to give up and let my family keep going without the burden of me.  was very close to giving up and just letting go.  thankfully I held on.  

having life allows me to honor those who have lost their battle with PTSD and other mental illnesses.  it allows me to honor those whose lives were cut short by war and crime.  

today and always I am thankful for life.  

Things begin to settle then BOOM

for me as a person with PTSD, depression and anxiety there are certain things i do that keep me from feeling overwhelmed or out of control. some could say its a bit of an OCD issue but whatever it works for me. its a comfortable feeling, knowing there is a form of control over the day to day. its a comfortable feeling that things are going well and so when anything changes things tend to go bad all over.

we had a recent change in our home life that kinda tossed everything up in the air. there was a huge increase in anxiety and feeling of being overwhelmed with the what ifs. it took me a while and actually all of us a bit to finally figure out that while it was a huge change, we can manage it.

when you have someone with anxiety, depression and/or PTSD then something changes in their day to day, help them with finding that steady ground again. changes are HUGE triggers to some PTSDers. i know it is for me, unexpected changes that is. there are times that changes we make do cause some disruption but we are making the changes so its not a feeling of overwhelming loss of control.

its the holiday season, this change rocked me a bit. i got scared because of the what ifs and my mind was racing with what this would mean for our family and for PIFB. there are still unknowns and we wont really know how it affects us but for now we are just going with the flow.

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There is no CURE

i think its irresponsible for anyone to say PTSD or mental health issues have a cure. things can get better and can go through the day without incidents but there is no cure.  i have heard this from a couple of medical professionals when i asked for help years after the diagnosis.

in their opinion, the fact i was functioning at home in the safe zone i created, i was cured. so they didnt see a need for providing care to keep me functioning. just hand me a pamphlet and thank you for coming by.  its hit or miss with opinions like that so it is one of the reasons i dont go asking for help very often.

there are people who are suppose to help that also say just get over it. you can only imagine why people take their lives or just give up when faced with someones personal opinion when they are suppose to help you.

thats why many PTSDers and people who suffer from other mental health issues choose to find a way to make their lives easier outside of the medical world. i craft, blog, share and do what i can to show you that i am still worthy of being here. others do outreach, fitness challenges, baking, wood work, etc.

doing things outside of the medical world provides us the freedom of being ourselves and not being judged. you cant just stop any and all medical intervention, that is not what i am saying.  there are other ways of combating the demons within. look for people in your community, find people online that understand this issue.

a majority of my support comes from online support. my husband and kids provide the day to day personal support which is HUGE. keeps me going.

dont give up, dont allow someone else’s opinion make you feel less than you are. i am here so you message, call or email.

while there isnt a cure, there is hope. it wont be easy but it will be worth it.

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Em

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She is beautifully fierce. What more is there to say? Oh lots more lol because she is an amazing friend. I have to remember that when I speak of her its all in past tense. WAS not IS.

While she was not the veteran with PTSD, she loved and was married to him. So many people think Secondary PTSD isn’t real. Hell people still think PTSD isn’t real. All of it is so very real, ask those who suffer from it and love us. Our caregivers live through the horrors of watching us deal with it all. They see us change, see us battle that invisible demon, and sometimes they see us lose to that damn PTSD demon.

Curt battled, he fought hard and he fought long. He did what he could and Em helped him. I remember her letters telling me how things were tough but they always made it through.

There are a lot of Curt & Em’s all over the place. They are fighters and everyday battle together. My husband and I are like them. Some days we win, other days we lose.

What we have to remember is that we are not alone in this battle. Our loved ones, our spouses, parents and families fight alongside us.  It is a tough battle and while it feels like we fight alone, we don’t.

I sometimes feel alone in the battle, feel alone in the sadness, anxiety and depression. Then I take just a moment to look around my workspace, my home and on my page. It’s then that I remember I am not alone. Neither are you.

Reach out, take care of each other and pay it forward any way you can. If you are suffering call me or anyone, we will be there for you.

Battling the invisible

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All I ever wanted in my life was to be normal. Didn’t know that being normal is something I could never become. As a child fighting for attention from parents and siblings that never wanted me around should have been the first clue of normal never being part of my life.  Growing into adulthood I did all I could to not be seen.

Then I started fighting an invisible demon that pushed normal further and further away from my grasp. There are monsters that go bump in the night, I hear them all the time and feel them when they are close to me. They don’t disappear when I open my eyes, no they are sometimes worse because the light doesn’t save me.

The depression has become worse in the past couple of months, I find myself wanting to withdraw from everyone and everything. Sometimes having to force myself to stay within the now and present. Throw in the PTSD demons and you have a full on war of things you cannot see. Oh but they toss you the nightmares you have lived through just to see you suffer through them again.

That is my everyday. Smells, sounds, sights trigger a memory that has been hidden deep within my brain. Being brought forward because I am not strong enough to fight. Weary to the bone and yet unable to sleep.

How are you suppose to win this battle? How are you suppose to lock the door on the memories? How? When you are so tired and pained from just living? I have asked myself this question over and over and over. There isn’t an answer.

So what do I do? I get up, fix my bed and live my life. Do what a mom, wife, friend is suppose to do right? Otherwise I end up wanting to not be here.

So many are battling the invisible demons. So many are losing this battle. We have to do something about this. Talk to them, reach out to them and spend time giving them a bit of your strength. That is what I do and what is done for me.

Don’t give up, keep holding on. I am here IGY6