I love being in my studio and having the whole space to myself. When my body gets tired I can sit in my recliner that my hubby graciously gave up so I can rest. While resting I look up at the ceiling and see this view.
Do you see that saying? Be the change you wish to see in the world. I want to be that change, want to see it in the world. As I sit here today in pain and near tears because of it while trying to get some work done, I question whether I am enough. Am I enough? Is what I am doing even making a little change? Does it matter to anyone but me?
These are demon thoughts coming through. I call the PTSD issues demons, giving them a name allows me to fight them. Just me other people say that if I call them demons I give them power. News flash, they already have some power at least this way I can fight it.
Anywhoooo back to what I was saying. I want people to see that anyone with mental health illness and chronic illness can be a part of the world. We are viable. I want to bring awareness to PTSD, mental health issues as well as chronic health issues that our veterans face. Many of us lose our careers and that family fairly quickly due to our medical issues. We are then left to fend for ourselves and hope to find our place in the civilian world. I didn’t, so I created my own world that I call Paying it Forward Beading. Now I can branch out to others using this as a platform.
In the 7 years I have been doing this, there is always a question of whether or not it matters. Is it enough? Am I enough? Is what I am doing enough. Those questions are louder when I am feeling low.
My husband, Ash has done everything in his power to give me peace. He has fought nightmares with me, held me up when the pain have doubled me over. Been the advocate when I couldn’t speak and I wonder, if I am enough. He will tell me I am, and I hope that is him speaking and not just his heart. The guy loves me lol.
We all want to see a change, I want to be the change. What else can I do? There are days I just go through the day lost in a book or craft because everything else is too much. What else is there y’all?
The pain makes me question myself. As I sat in the recliner, resting my body and looking up at that saying, the demons crept in and make me question everything.
Can I be that change? Is what I am doing enough? Today I just don’t know the answers to those questions. Low days suck and these are days I can easily get lost in the darkness.
Those who battle can understand it, those who love us hurt because they cant. When we question ourselves it isn’t done to question the value of our loved ones support, we just question everything when we hurt.