BOOM

When you hear a boom you associate it with an explosion or crash. Are there emotional booms? Yes they are, they just are not as noticeable as explosion or crash booms.

The past month or so there has been a building to an emotional boom inside. Little stressors build and build. Cracks begin to form and then BOOM the demons of mental illness are out.  A change in schedule and routine started it, external drive breaking magnified it and getting through a cold has really just brought it forward a bit more.

I am tired, painful and feeling manic in what I do in the studio. Feeling of having to do more and do it fast is really difficult because I know I need to slow down and work through why I feel this way.  When I start to slow down because I feel manic is when I just get so frustrated and depressed that nothing is ever easy and so I just stop. Which then brings me back into feeling manic when I get back in the studio. How crazy is this cycle?

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It took me a bit to recognize what was going on, even though this happens to me occasionally. Just was not ready to deal with another cycle of this again because it is draining and so much work.

Maybe I refused to notice the signs because I didn’t want to deal with the why’s of this episode because it feels like no one will care what I am feeling. People need me to be stable, or that is the lie I tell myself. Some people don’t want me to not be in a state where I need to take care of me because then I can’t be their support, so I tell myself to ignore how I feel. This is dangerous. Putting others ahead of myself when I feel this way.

Today I decided to stop what I was going and take care of me. This has to happen, it has to be something I work through and give it the right attention. If I keep ignoring it and pushing it aside, it will end up rearing up and take me down.

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Why is it we do this to ourselves? Why do we put our own mental health aside? It is easy for me to tell others not to do this and yet here I am. Did not take my own advice, did not take time out for me before the boom.

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