In 1998 I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) also known as Clinical Depression. This was after a suicide attempt in August of that same year. I was already seeing a counselor for depression but I guess since I attempted suicide, they upgraded it to MDD.
There is still a daily struggle to stay positive, to remember that I matter and am loved. For those who tell me to just get over it can kiss my butt because if it was that easy then I would have got over whatever it is that causes the depression.
Depression is like thunder you hear rumbling in the distance, it is making it’s presence known. Will it become a full blown storm? Or is it just a rumbling to get your attention? We don’t know but we prepare anyway. It allows us to be sure that if we get hit with a huge storm of emotions that we can handle it somehow, or just be able to hold on until it passes.
Over the past few months the depression has been pretty bad, it usually just comes and goes nothing too bad that gets me too down but every now and again it hits hard. The past few months it hit very hard. I am super emotional, especially when thinking about certain events or people.
The battle continues no matter how much time has passed. Having MDD it seems like any event or bad memory can easily toss me into a downward spiral, so much that it takes a lot of work to just get myself moving. My mind and body are battling my heart, seriously it is. My mind and body want to just sleep, hide in the dark and live in my own little bubble of despair. My heart on the other hand wants to get in the studio to create, craft and make something bright and beautiful because my thoughts are dark and ugly.
Slowly things are starting to even out, I don’t feel so lost and alone in my mind. No matter how many times I can look around and see my family, see what we have built over the years there is a dark thought or two in my mind. It takes work to battle those thoughts, to fight them with the greatness of my life. Anyone who doesn’t understand depression would never understand the battle, but I understand it as does my hubby who keeps me going.
We have to learn to be more understanding of what we battle, understand that there are people struggling and even if they ‘look fine’ that does not mean that they are. I hate it when people tell me that I don’t look sick or look depressed. That is because a photo is just a snapshot of life, not a whole representation of it.
Reach out, take care of each other and pay it forward any way you can. Contact your friends or family that you know are battling something, let them know you are thinking of them and that you care. That can make a huge difference in their life, maybe even save it.