There hasn’t been a time that I enjoyed looking at myself in a mirror. Looking at myself was just to be sure my hair was within regulation and uniform was squared away. There was nothing else I wanted to see in that reflection. The person looking back at me was a person I did not know or cared enough about to look at. When I did look, all that reflected back were the mistakes and flaws.
For as long as I could remember I was told that I was ugly, or looked like I was stupid. Hear that as a child for as long as I did tends to lock it in and make it truth no matter what. Do I still believe that even now as a 44 year old? Absolutely I do.
The reflection in the mirror is showing me a person I am not proud of. Yes I am proud of accomplishments in my life but as for what is in the mirror…I can almost hate her. What she has done to herself and others, the pains she inflicted on people she loves is something I see. What good is she when she made such horrible mistakes and her self destruction took others along?
I hate mirrors. Yet here I am today, putting one up in my studio. There was a reason I left any type of mirrors out, no reflective surfaces. The person looking back at me isn’t one I enjoy having with me in my space. As crazy as that sounds, it is the absolute truth.
Maybe it is hard for some to understand, you could be one of the lucky people who had some great parents in your life, had some amazing positive influences in your life and that built a strong personal view of yourself. That is something I lacked for the longest time, positive influences. They came too late in my life and by then all my negative thoughts of myself had rooted deep into my soul.
That doesn’t mean I do not enjoy giving back to people or being a positive support to another person, that is easy to do. I love people, love that they are so giving of themselves and so strong in their struggles. Love that people can smile despite what may be happening around them. Love that people can love freely no matter what. I see positive in others, see them thriving not just surviving.
So…why am I putting up a mirror? Well for a few reasons. One because my Mister said you want to be sure your face is ready for someone to come by. He is right, don’t want any boogers or something in my teeth making someone uncomfortable LOL. Another reason is recently in a Facebook post Ms Maureen said “Anna, look in that mirror and repeat after me: ‘I am enough! I am strong! I have handled things very few can and still remained a good person. I am enough!’ ” The thing is I had been told this many times over the past 10 or so years, it never meant a thing. When she posted that, it hit and it hurt. OH I know she did not want me to feel bad about myself, she wanted to help me understand that I am all those things even if I didn’t see it.
Today I put up a mirror in the studio. It is far not in my direct line of sight, have to make a point to stand up to it in order to see myself. It is where I can check my face, be sure I look presentable. Maybe I will put some inspiration around it to make me start to want to look at myself. Small steps…that will be what I am going to do. I got the mirror, next is actually wanting to look at myself.
Still hate mirrors, not happy with the reflection. It will take time and at the moment I got the time.