Every so often I get these flare ups that take me out for days. It can be the migraine, fibro, anxiety, PTSD, costochondritis, or just exhaustion whatever it is they tear me apart.
Many can say pain will make you stronger or that you are not given more pain than you can handle. People say any number of things that are meant to support and encourage you while you suffer.
I know that pain can make you question why you fight. For almost a full week I have been feeling this building pain trying to turn into a full fledged Fibromyalgia flare up. It begins with the already slow burning intensifying into a rolling pain up and down my back. For me it starts at the hips and rolls all the way up to my neck, funny that it ends right at my hairline to my head. Don’t know why it’s funny but it is to me. Maybe my way of saying to myself at least it isn’t consuming my whole body. It extends to my shoulders all the way to the armpits and just rolls all around the back area. Hurts to sit, to lay back, to have my hair down touching my neck. It just hurts.
Exhaustion sets in because my whole body is bracing as the pain moves around, waiting for a bit of reprieve. It makes me sick, so between the pains I have to find a way to muster enough energy to stand, to slowly walk to the bathroom and just be sick.
Then it starts all over. Finding a comfortable spot to sit so the pain isn’t as intense, distract myself with tv or lose myself in the books I am reading. Slowly trying to relax as the ebbs and flows of pains torment my body and my mind.
It’s during those times that I hate that I want to keep fighting through the pains. Hate that I have to. Why don’t I just quit being an idiot and just let my doctor give me pain meds so I can just drug myself into a stupor and sleep while it all goes away. Even if it takes days.
Then I remember why I fight, why I don’t want the meds and why I want to do this. I realize that maybe pain for me isn’t what is making me stronger, pain is what is trying to make me give up. Pain wants to steal from me the joys of life, of my family and of my work. Pain is a thief. Plain and simple.
This thief wants to rob me of my faith. It is stealing my confidence and my hope. This thief is taking my hope and my desires. The pain doesn’t make me stronger, it is a deceiver. It is a liar and I have to remember that as I sit here for the second day in a row on the couch, lost in the pains while life continues on around me. It has started to steal me of the confidence I have in myself and in my strength to hold on.
Pain can be many things to people for a variety of reasons. To me, pain is a thief.
How I respond will determine how much more I will allow it to take from me. The choices are not easy to make. Do I say enough and go on with my ‘normal’ and risk the pain coming back harder and take more? Do I just continue to rest? Still allowing it to take from me? Just being aware of the possibility of how much I allow the pain to take?
Nothing of this is easy. Falling into an endless pit of pain can be as easy as holding on for the pains to pass. I can hold on and fight, knowing the thief called pain will be waiting and watching for any opening of weakness to take over. Am I strong enough to keep my mind from crumbling? For those walls I put to crumble and let the demons of pain in to take me over. It is so easy to let go. So easy to just give in. Yet so much to lose in that. The strength to hold on is more than I have in me, or is the pain stealing my resolve?
Can’t you see how hard this is? Can you not see how it steals who I am so that I can no longer fight?
The fighter, the warrior is tired. The battle is long, hard and never ending. It takes more than I have to keep holding on. Yet here I am…..still holding on.