When traumas happen, it changes your future in ways that you will never really be prepared for. You won’t immediately know what those changes are as they will come out during different periods of your life. We survive, we keep going and live through the cycle of reliving the traumas and having it throw us into the dark fighting to find our way out.
When does just surviving stop? At what point do we start to live our lives without the worry of a trigger sending us spiraling out of control? When will we start to see our worth?
I know that everyone’s journey in healing is different, I get it I really do. So many people will tell me that it takes time, then things will settle. Hell I have told that to people myself when providing them some guidance in their own battles. Yes time does heal, but it does not cure. Why is that I wonder?
Maybe it is the fact there is no cure that in my mind translates that to meaning there is never going to be an end. In my mind I know there are times I can go months without fighting so hard, there are times I feel like I am actually better and can almost let my guard down. Yet there is that little voice in my head reminding me that the demons are still there.
During these good times, it is apparent how traumas changed me. The affect the traumas suffered over the years have changed how I see the good times. It’s like I am waiting for the bottom to fall out, things are too good so something has to go wrong soon. Sadly, I am the one who sabotages myself because I get tired of waiting for the demons to do it.
The self sabotage over the years has been as hard to work on as surviving the traumas. It is a never ending battle. Yet I find a way to keep going because I am not just okay with surviving. I want to live and be happy, enjoy my marriage and children. I especially want to be around to spoil my grandson rotten and let his parents deal with the after affects, because that is what grandparents do, right?
The biggest struggle in all of this has been moving past the survival mode, wondering if there will ever be an end to just surviving. I have gone through tons of years of counseling which has helped me deal with things, yet every time I asked when things will settle down they could never give me an answer. I really think an answer does not exist. Just like there is no cure for PTSD, there will never be an end to fighting.
Until I can find that peace, I will keep fighting and keep surviving because right now its all I can do. I have to force myself to believe I am worth the effort, I usually fight because I fear letting my husband and kids down. Maybe that is enough for now, maybe at some point in the future I will fight for me.
No matter how long you have been fighting, how long you have been surviving….keep doing it. I can tell you that YOU are worth the effort. YOU MATTER. One day I hope to say that to myself, my holding on to being here is in hopes of helping others. If one person can be helped with my ranting & ravings, the posts and the messages then I will keep doing it.
Hold on, please and keep fighting.