I tried

This was one of the things I was going to do, or at least try to do  and well I tried. Getting there was okay, being in the small holding area for lack of a better word was alright for the first 15 minutes then more people came and the place was too tight, too many people too close to me and I started to hurt. As we were moved into the courthouse, I was able to sit in the last row towards a less crowded area and my back against the wall. Got through the briefings mostly okay but the person to the left of me was crowding me. They wouldn’t stop fidgeting and it was driving me bonkers. Then I noticed the openness of the room, it was too bright and too echo-ey lol. I could hear people in the halls, behind the judge, but I couldn’t see them. Didn’t know where people were and the exit was just one door leading out of the courtroom. It then started to be too much.

The anxiety was building and the pains started so badly. Don’t know if I can put into words how bad my body just started to hurt. I know it’s because I was so tense, so balled up and could not sit back, could not stand up or walk around.

After the briefing we were let go for a break and once we returned anyone wanting to be excused had to stand before the judge and plead your case. It was rather intimidating and honestly a bit embarrassing. As it was my turn, I went up and let him know that I wanted to try to do this, to serve. The whole area was just too much for me to handle. He asked me some more questions about employment and things like that, explained I could not work and he asked me to elaborate. Now mind you there are at least 80 people in the quiet and echoing courtroom listening to me as I explain my wanting to serve but not being able to handle it.  Told him I didn’t ask for a doctor’s excuse even though it may have saved everyone some time and me some discomfort, but I really wanted to see if I could do this. He thanked me for my attempt at this and dismissed me from jury duty.

To say this was a difficult experience is an understatement. This is the year I am trying to do more, go outside of my safe & comfort zone. One of these times I will succeed. The next time is in April. A convention to support my local and favorite too guys at this year’s tattoo convention.

If I don’t keep trying I won’t ever know if I can do more, won’t know how far I can go.



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