All I ever wanted in my life was to be normal. Didn’t know that being normal is something I could never become. As a child fighting for attention from parents and siblings that never wanted me around should have been the first clue of normal never being part of my life. Growing into adulthood I did all I could to not be seen.
Then I started fighting an invisible demon that pushed normal further and further away from my grasp. There are monsters that go bump in the night, I hear them all the time and feel them when they are close to me. They don’t disappear when I open my eyes, no they are sometimes worse because the light doesn’t save me.
The depression has become worse in the past couple of months, I find myself wanting to withdraw from everyone and everything. Sometimes having to force myself to stay within the now and present. Throw in the PTSD demons and you have a full on war of things you cannot see. Oh but they toss you the nightmares you have lived through just to see you suffer through them again.
That is my everyday. Smells, sounds, sights trigger a memory that has been hidden deep within my brain. Being brought forward because I am not strong enough to fight. Weary to the bone and yet unable to sleep.
How are you suppose to win this battle? How are you suppose to lock the door on the memories? How? When you are so tired and pained from just living? I have asked myself this question over and over and over. There isn’t an answer.
So what do I do? I get up, fix my bed and live my life. Do what a mom, wife, friend is suppose to do right? Otherwise I end up wanting to not be here.
So many are battling the invisible demons. So many are losing this battle. We have to do something about this. Talk to them, reach out to them and spend time giving them a bit of your strength. That is what I do and what is done for me.
Don’t give up, keep holding on. I am here IGY6